This Little Blog of Mine...I'm Gonna Let it Shine

The upcoming week, I feel, will be an epic sort of rebirth for me and the blog.  For some people, this little space may seem so insignificant.  I "write" about the happenings of my babes and random thoughts.  Sporadically I post about those cute crafty things that ignite my being.  I didn't create them.  But someone did and they make me happy.  It is an egocentric place where I indulge in things that some may call fluffy.  Occasionally, I draw attention to that which makes me righteous.  But that has subsided and the aesthetically pleasing content prevails.

It may seem quirky, nonsensical and unimportant...but you see, it makes me HAPPY!!  This little space started as a place to share about the joys of motherhood.  But it has transformed into a place that is mine.  It is a part of my identity and some may call it ridiculous.  Who am I to share that which I hold close with those I don't (excluding those people whom I love dearly)?  Truth is.  I'm not really anyone important.  At least in the grand scheme of things, universally speaking.

But to three little Babes...I AM THE UNIVERSE.  Their universe is full of love from a mama with unwavering encouragement and trust in their little curiosities.  Their Mama is full of happiness because I am able to express that happiness in my little corner of the universe.

My blog is a place for me to be me: reflect, nurture, love, imagine, virtually dance, compose, piece together fragmented thoughts.  It has become my space.  My happy place.

And...a happy place is all I need to be that which is me:  MAMA.

xoxo

The Mama

Water Challenge: 80-100 oz. a day

On Monday I start a 30 day water challenge (80 - 100 oz. a day) that I am hoping will extend to forever.  Enjoy these images from my pinterest board entitled "water" to inspire....

This is an etsy print from Antique Wall Art

Are you ready to transform your body and mind?

WELLNESS JOURNEY: Attaining Wellness through Small Changes

I am one to embrace beauty in all shapes and sizes.  I adore my body, truly, I do.  It has changed through life's seasons.  In my youth I was mostly tomboy with a hint of nerd.  As a young adult I was ever so busy with studies but loved working out and athleticism.   Now as a mama of three, my sagging parts are a reminder of my lack of time and devotion to becoming a vessel for life.

I relish in these changes however I miss moving my body in a challenging way.  I love running and being able to do this without being out of breath or strained.  I want to be that athlete I was again and for the rest of my life.  I want to live fit.

I will be implementing many changes over the course of the next several months that I hope to incorporate into my daily living for always.  Tomorrow I begin with small eating changes that will help (re)nourish my body.

These small changes will be implemented in 3 week stages.  Once a change has been implemented it remains throughout now and forever.  I do understand that I am human and willpower has always been a difficult thing of mine, so I have allowed myself no feelings of guilt.

Changes to Implement:

1.  Stop Eating After 8 PM
2.  Replace Coffee with Green Tea
3.  Drink at least 1.5 litres of water each day.
4.  Eat Breakfast within an hour of waking up
5.  No more soy
6.  Go Vegan (Those who follow the blog realize that throughout my pregnancies I have reverted back to non-veganism and although 90% of my diet is vegan, I know that propelling myself to the full veganism is the healthiest best choice for me)
7.  No Sugar.
8.  No Junk Food.
9.  No Bread.
10.  WHOLE FOODS

Any changes that you might suggest to implement would be awesome?  Any that you are thinking of implementing?  What small changes do you wish to make?

Love to All,

The Mama

10 Day Fast: Prep Post

Tomorrow I begin a 10 Day fast with my Apothecary Circle.  At first I was unclear and a little unsure if the fast was right for me, at this moment.  But after careful thought and reflection and  a week of self-doubt, I now more than ever have set myself up to endure that which I have tried before but never succeeded at.  My circle is full of supportive women to lean on and embrace my struggle.  I don't think I will be able to do this without them.  The fast will bring on, as noted by our teacher, an isolation and loneliness, a spiritual awakening, questions, purpose, rediscovery.

It is my goal to cultivate a sacred space within myself, my body, and my environment.

"Fasting is this beautiful and mysterious tool that clears out and opens space up wide"

First, may I ensure my followers, friends and families that this is not an extreme DIET.  Food is fuel in my eyes and when the body goes on a fast, your metabolism actually slows.  After discovering that I suffer from IBS I need a physical clean slate from which to begin.  I also know how easy it is for me to pick up a project, never to complete it again.  This is the project which I intend to complete.  Also, by focusing simply on this liquid fast (which I will outline below), I hope to bring to the surface emotions that may have been hidden by emotional eating.

Secondly, I will not only be fasting from food but from that which consumes all too much of my time:  pinterest, my favorite blogs, netflix, social media and facebook.  These have distracted me endlessly from my spirit, goals and creativity.  Hence I will not access them.

So to OUTLINE my FAST:

Physical Fast:

I will rely on juice, berry smoothies, dandelion and lemon ginger teas, miso soup and clean, fresh water for 10 DAYS.

Sacred Space Fast:

I plan to not indulge in the internet, specifically:  pinterest, my fave blogs, netflix, social media and facebook for 10 days.  I will however allow myself to answer emails from my account and blog in the evening after the Babes go to bed and only after writing an outline of what I wish to write about.  There will also be no Movies for my Babes in our household.

I feel strongly about sharing my experiences on my blog for my friends are my support and your encouragement will help me so much to accomplish that which I have failed so many times before.  Oh HOW I FEAR FAILURE!

My intention from the fast is to reconnect with my body and find a sacredness with myself and space.  I hope to open up my mind to possibility, creativity and soulfulness.  Please recognize my desire to be kind to my body and mind and support me on this journey.

xoxo The Mama

L'Echange des Soeurs

A couple of months ago I proposed a simple box exchange with one of my friends, Christine.  She has been pivotal in inspiring me to pursue all that calls to me.  She is amazing in every way.  Her beauty astounds.  Ethereal and a little fairy princess of light.  And after our meeting, which I described several posts ago, I adore her even more (Didn't think it was possible).

The exchange is simple and inspired by this post from Rebekka Seale:  to create a personalized package for a friend, a sister, with a journal of notes to send back and forth, to inspire, to share your thoughts.  I thought what better way to share something with someone who I adore so much.

Our first exchange was not via mail but a sit down where we exchanged the boxes as gifts for Christmas.  We both decided to go off with our boxes in tow and open them at will, when a moment allowed us to sit and fully immerse ourselves in the letters, positivity and love.  My moment, came today, three weeks later.

The box is beautifully decorated (my side is to be completed - my part will complete the whole and Christine's part is the half which is her offering to be of symbolic support).  Inside this precious lady filled it with words of positivity, which I plan on putting in a journal of inspiration to later be passed down to my Babes, but in the mean time will inspire me on my journey.  There was a very interesting charm that was an inside reference to the Rocky Horror Picture Show - the film that plays on the night of our Wedding in the Theatre we married at - how clever, sweet and personal.  Her love of vintage books is so evident and her collection must be smaller now that I received copies of Vintage People's starring the Princess of the People and my love, Diana.  This will go with my plethora of royal things.  Feathers now hang on my inspiration board above my desk and her letter will forever warm my thoughts and heart.  I share this quote from the letter, an otherwise personal and private sharing between the two of us because it describes so well the intent of l'echange des soeurs (I hope she doesn't mind):

"This journal can be WHATEVER we want it to be; it is our safe haven of sharing, inspiring, appreciating"

So to my Christine:

xoxox  The Mama

I would love to hear from my followers about L'Echange Des Soeurs thoughts or inspirations.  Please feel free to try this idea.  Explore and open your heart to another that is willing to fully accept.  L'Echange harbours no judgments or pretense.  It is a box full of love and dedication to supporting another person.  

Please feel free to comment on this post.  I would love to hear from you!

And my soeur, Christine, writes for Verve Evolving blog.  She is a great friend and blissed out babe on a journey like us all.  I admire her deeply.

Apothecary Circle: Water Challenge

January we were given the challenge of Hydration.  For me it was so interesting that our first challenge directly connected with my Word of Intention (L'Eau / Water).  It was so encouraging to have a challenge that focused on that very thing that I want to incorporate into my everyday in every way.  I  couldn't have been more excited.

The Challenge is really quite simple:

For 31 days hydrate your body with 80 ounces to 100 ounces of water (for us Canadians that means over 2 litres of water).

• in the morning there should be a 16 ounce to 32 ounce morning flush.  you drink this before you do anything
• 64 ounces of water are necessary for pure living alone, but I can incorporate the rest of the quota through herbal teas
• caffeine, smoothies, commercial juices and soda never count towards the quota

Sounds quite simple, but thus far it has been difficult to put into practice.  Firstly, the day the cleanse began went well, but then I developed a sickness which gave me no appetite and made my stomach protrude painfully.  I patiently waited for it to subside.  It did and then one day I forgot to morning flush and felt the entire day was gone.  Then the digestion issues came back (which I am now seeking professional advice for tomorrow) and I stalled again.  So today marks the official start of my Water Challenge.  I will continue to keep you up to date with my progress but let me just say for now the bathroom is my friend, it has gone really well and only need to consume 1 more cup of water - I'm thinking an herbal tea before bed) and I can sense my skin feeling hydrated.

REFLECTION:

My Goal for this Challenge includes:  balancing out hormones, beautiful skin tone smooth and hydrated, relying on water as my drink of choice, improving digestion.  It is my hope with this challenge to let the process happen, flow with how I'm feeling and stray from a forced-ness that can be so consuming.

Here is to a month of hydration (The Challenge for me will end February 5th in order to catch up on those days I missed - just let it flow Mama).

New Year's Eve Resolutions

TO LIVE WITH INTENT:

The mini-workshop that focused on discovering my word of intention for 2013 was a starting point.  My word is water and as explained previously, I plan to live with that element at the forefront.  Tomorrow I begin a Month of Water Challenge which I will go into more depth tomorrow, but it is the perfect cleanse that I need to start this year of free-flowing me.

As a scatterbrained Vata and artistic soul, mother and wife, things get lost in the shuffle.  I plan to work towards cleansing myself of objects and mess that interrupts my flow.  There will be small lists and completing of tasks.  

TO BE MY BEST PHYSICAL SELF:

I adore working out and using my body physically.  Running is a passion of mine and plan to do it at least 4 times a week.  My goal is to get back to pre-baby feelings of love for my body.  I would love to incorporate yoga and strength trainer.  I must nurture my body through hydration.  I must respect my body with amazing food (mostly vegan and whole).  I must not allow a tainted script to tell my body that it is undeserving.  Finally getting my digestion issues under control would be super awesome as well.

TO BE MY HAPPIEST SELF:

Happiness must begin with yourself and it will emanate outwards.  My dear friend Christine, suggested keeping a happy drawer full of things to go to when a sadness enters.  I plan on filling this drawer with a journal, art projects, a book and candles.  I plan on reducing negative talk about myself and others and our world.

TO EMBRACE THE RHYTHM OF MY CHILDREN:

Although I continuously work towards our homeschool curriculum, I must also recognize the importance of the rhythm of each of my children and seasonal affects.  I plan to do a lot of natural crafting.

OTHER SMALL GOALS:

*  Take my blog to the next level for sponsorship.  Would love for it to be our source of income so that it can allow me to continue to stay at home and provide all that they need.  I would love to guest post or have a guest post on my blog from amazing women.

*  Bake an amazing cake from fondant for one of the Babes

* Sell vegan baked goods at the town coffee shops

* Adult Clothing Line of 10 outfits

* Knit and needle felt my butt off

* Go on a road trip

* Get a new car.

* See those I adore more often: Alyssa, Christine, Marlene, my sis, Terri, El, Tonya, Miche and Miriam

* Eliminate Coffee from my life

* A new tattoo

* Open an etsy shop

* Have a garage Sale

* Complete my Sketchbook

* A four-pack would be awesome

* Learn more about the moon

Wellness Journey: Resonance

The apothecary course has begun and it has already been so life changing and reaffirming.  A lot of the women in the group are on similar journeys or have so much wisdom you can't help but marvel in their amazingness and crave their knowledge.  One such woman is Laura.  She is truly an artist, writer and blogger that I admire and follow weekly.  She writes at Violet Bella.  A couple of days ago, she posted something that just hit me so hard and resonated.  I have always felt a connection to the moon and deeply believe that it can affect us.  The moving of tides is such evidence for our bodies are wholly composed of water.  How could one not be affected but such a force?

Here is the post and this resonated with me as it did Laura:

"There are some memories so deeply embedded within the Unconscious, that they need to be exposed for transformation and healing to take place so they no longer influence your life or behaviors. Why hold on to painful memories from your own life or that of your family ancestors and genetic lineage.

The exquisite potential of the Full Moon in Cancer is re-establishing emotional purity and strength. Allowing one to be confident and free to express feelings and flow with life. Learn to honor your feelings and attune to the Sacred Feminine. Be receptive to healing and also remain open to allowing things to wash away and prepare your inner container for new beginnings by being in the present moment. Let the raw emotion of rejection, abandonment and emotional betrayal heal.  Allow love to caress you and nourish you on every level.

Another piece to the Full Moon in Cancer is that people have a tendency to live on auto-pilot tend to carry forward sticky emotional guilt, painful memories, family curses, intense bitterness within the ancestral lineage without even questioning anything. And at times this plays it out in their personal lives or with situations in present time. The old story repeats in a loop like a memory.

The Full Moon in Cancer offers a wonderful opportunity to let go of being on auto-pilot and detox. Allow whatever is meant to be exposed to be revealed you can face it head on and move forward. It it also possible one’s family or ancestors that have transitioned (died or left the physical body) will be around to support this important phase and transformation. They too want to contribute so that the ancient patterns heal and become whole and healthy once again."

Our house has been full of an emotional rollercoaster.  The Papa has been off for a two week period and all beings in the house have been off mentally as well.  There has been a lack of connectedness and for me major feelings of rejection, abandonment, and emotional betrayal.  There was a foggyness that was hovering in and around me (this auto-pilot) that definitely returned me to a time of painful memories and history which I thought was finished.

Yesterday, I spent almost three hours (such a small time) with an amazing woman.  We were highschool friends.  There were parallels and we just seemed like we would fit.  As with many highschool relationships, you go your own ways.  There was a reconnection and she graced me with her presence at my wedding.  We moved to her old hometown of Perth and online exchanges ensued.  Over these past couple years we have grown closer I believe metaphysically and I just have such a love for this woman.  It is amazing to see how our relationship has just blossomed to a really deep connection that is pivotal in my life.  We want to support each other.  We understand each other.  We are these Vata-Pittas (you'll get it).  It seems like this year has been monumental for both of us and I know we both feel honoured to have each other in our lives.

Christine, my friend and RMT at Sage Wellness.

Well...after talking with her for such a short time, there was this epiphany that emerged.  There came finally, after years of self-doubt and questioning, a calmness in myself.  She exuded a love and reiterated how she viewed me as an amazing being.  And for the first time, I actually believed it.  The Papa came to pick me up from the coffee shop and there I was, completely blissed out.  We got back to our old VolksWagon, he hopped through my passenger side because his door is broken.  He sat, warmed my hands, and I smiled.  Then my mouth opened and I just talked about this amazing being and how she affected me.  My body was warm from love, literally and it seemed like a harshness and any hate towards it that I had had been holding onto just melted.  It was the coolest feeling ever and forever will stick with me.

Thank you friend.  You rocked my world.

And Thank you, for allowing me to be vulnerable today and for supporting and loving me, and encouraging me to love myself.

xoxox

The Mama

WELLNESS JOURNEY: Apothecary Teachings: Word of Intention

My apothecary course has begun and I am super excited.  So far Laura Emily, my teacher, has presented us with a mini workshop that centres on discovering our word of intention for the year.  I mulled it over and it was almost a reverse brainstorm.  I thought about all the things that were important to me this year and then came to the word:

L'EAU/WATER

it is that which sustains life.  it are those characteristics of water that I want to absorb and use to transform and transcend.

WELLNESS JOURNEY: Thoughts on Physicality and Defeat

Many things have been entering my mind lately, but mostly discouragement dominates them.  Stomach issues have been plaguing me for over a decade.  It seems as though the issues began with the realization that my upbringing was far from normal and that I could not physically leave the situation (my early teens).  There was a huge amount of stress placed on me and I am sure that affected my irritability and digestion.  When stressed, anxious or depressed,  my stomach is in pain.  It has been so frustrating to go through numerous cleanses and food restrictions to determine the culprit.  And as a lover of food, I have had to say no or just indulge because I know the end result anyway and I would rather have fun.

For several years in university I followed a macrobiotic diet and it was so invigorating.  I felt my healthiest.  Problem is it requires a lot of self-discipline, which when you have three children and limited time, fails you.

Since having the Littlest of Babes, I have attempted to find that balance but again my digestion fails me.    I have started once again working out at the gym but because I constantly have knots in my belly, my workouts are difficult and leave me defeated.  Being physically fit is so important to my life and the Papa's for being physical puts so many happy feelings in me that it benefits all aspects of our life.  I have always been really active (that has waned a lot since having the girls due to me WANTING to spend time with the family rather than jog).  Not being able to flex, lift and run as I used to is just difficult to come to terms with.

Hence, I am going to do several things

• Pay more close attention to eating certain foods and how they affect me
• Eat more closely to my dosha and follow a more Vatta-pacifying regime that excludes my drug of choice:  COFFEE
• Stay away from dairy
• Eat more whole and try a low FODMAP diet

Reading Perfect Health by Deepak Chopra has been so enlightening and I truly believe the mind-body connection plays a huge role in my physical health.  Wellness journey continues...

xoxox

The Mama

WELLNESS JOURNEY: Day 4: My Personal Identity

This exploration couldn't have come at a better time.  The physical cleansing has failed and today I am not unmotivated but tired after staying up with a teething babe and taking the girls to playgroup and feeling totally defeated.  The stimulation was too much, the crowd was huge and not-necessarily inviting, I couldn't make sense of my thoughts, the Littlest of Babes refused to nurse and the Eldest of Babes got kicked in the head.  My girls are my world and I felt like they were being bombarded today.  All Babes were out of sorts and I was anxious.  Not to mention that I have not seen my best friend the Papa in two days, my neck and stomach are in pain, and the career path that I would like to pursue seems difficult to attain...That being said....

How I Perceive Others View Me 

I truly hope that others think well of me.  Certain things get lost in my role as stay-at-home mama, like for instance, my educational background or the fact that I desire to be a lifelong learner, maybe even my athleticism or nerdy-ness, or the simple fact that I was a person before my kids.  Honestly, I don't know.  I wish I did.  As the Papa, can attest to, I can read people extremely well.  So if you are judging me or others, I'm onto you.  If you are out of sorts, I am there to help.  But once you pass judgment on me, I am pretty much done.  I don't waste my time.

In general, I think that maybe people confuse my youth with a lack of experience and intelligence.  My intelligence is what I value the most, so when it isn't acknowledged or overlooked, I get upset.  Some people (shall I say older, insecure women) blatantly ignore me because of this perceived youth (let me tell ya - my daughter's are my first true experience with childhood and they are wiser than some adults I know).

My exterior may portray this earth mama vibe and got it all togetherness.  And that is what I hope to portray.  Generally I am, but it is something that I have worked hard for.

How do you perceive me, followers and friends?  Because you are the only opinions that matter.

How I View Myself

MOTHER, MOTHER, MOTHER, MOTHER, MOTHER, MOTHER, MOTHER, MOTHER, MOTHER, MOTHER, MOTHER, MOTHER, MOTHER, MOTHER,MOTHER, MOTHER, MOTHER, MOTHER, MOTHER, MOTHER, MOTHERMOTHER, MOTHER, MOTHER, MOTHER, MOTHER, MOTHER, MOTHER,MOTHER, MOTHER, MOTHER, MOTHER, MOTHER, MOTHER, MOTHER,MOTHER, MOTHER, MOTHER, MOTHER, MOTHER

WIFE, WIFE, WIFE, WIFE, WIFE, WIFE, WIFE, WIFE, WIFE, WIFE, WIFE, WIFE, WIFE, WIFE, WIFE, WIFE, WIFE, WIFE, WIFE, WIFE, WIFE, WIFE, WIFE, WIFE,WIFE, WIFE, WIFE, WIFE, WIFE, WIFE, WIFE, WIFE, WIFE, WIFE, WIFE, WIFE,WIFE, WIFE, WIFE, WIFE, WIFE, WIFE, WIFE, WIFE, WIFE, WIFE, WIFE, WIFE,WIFE, WIFE, WIFE, WIFE, WIFE, WIFE, WIFE, WIFE, WIFE, WIFE, WIFE, WIFE,WIFE, WIFE, WIFE, WIFE, WIFE, WIFE, WIFE, WIFE, WIFE,

(my two important roles)

dreamer, lover of vintage, saver of the planet, empathetic, friend, family, intelligent, shy, spy quality, doula, dancer, attentive to detail, best gift getter, mind reader, psychologist, baker, good cook, lifelong learner, reader, knitter, crafter, artist, inspired, inspirational, athletic, mind-racing, love chasing, earthy, digital,

more can be found here.

Today, as you may tell, this post and my mind are discombobulated.  The cleanse was a failure and I am truly feeling ill.  To better days and soul searching

The Mama

xoxox

WELLNESS JOURNEY: Day 3. Friends

Today I must admit that the physical cleanse was obliterated.  I was feeling so confident that I thought that me actively deciding to indulge slightly would be okay.  But I quickly discovered that my body didn't take well to the tiny bit of coffee and chocolate.  My mind was racing and stomach aching.  A slight bit of defeat hit me. So, admittedly, I am back on the full physical cleanse...AGAIN!  I am hoping to actually make it the full 7 days again, starting tomorrow.

Friendships Past:

My soul is old and heart easily broken.  Trust for me has always been difficult to gain.  So as a child I was quite guarded and shy.  As a young girl, I invested a lot of energy into one relationship.  From my perspective she was my best friend and only friend.  For some reason as a child you hear the word's best friend and it is a title that you are envious of.  To have that one person, you feel as though you conquered the world.  However, reality hit me hard when at this particular girl's birthday party, a girl who saw me grow from a 4 year old to almost teenager, announced that I actually wasn't her best friend and in fact not really a friend at all. (I fell asleep and the rest of the girls thought I was asleep and teased me the whole time).  I know that this is well into the past, but it affected me.  My entire little world crumbled and I felt completely disowned at home and on the playground.

In highschool, my shyness persisted.  For weeks I kept to myself and opened up to one girl, Miriam.  She was really high spirited and artistic dramatically.  I loved her energy.  Then my grandfather died.  My father came to get me at school and I remember being ushered through a full library in a full on mental breakdown.  I must have been frightening.  The days following I detested school and was in a painful mourning.  But guess who showed up to visit me and pay respects to a man she didn't even know:  Miriam!  It amazed me and solidified our friendship.  She became one of the only people I confided in.  She was actually the first person I revealed my abuse to.  She was the first person I trusted.  A beauty, selfless, intelligent, linguistic genius.

As highschool unfortunately dragged on, we were torn apart by new friends and relationships.  I feel like I never fully expressed my love for her and importance.  But she was pivotal.  Another two girls I became deeply in friendship love with, to the point that my world revolved and evolved around them.  However, as is the trend, after 14 years of friendship with one, I discovered she had been habitually lying to me, and the other actually broke into my bank account and drained me.

Dreaded highschool ended and I decided to attend a school where very few of my classmates were heading.  I desired new experiences and relationships untainted by my past.  It was awesome!  I met an amazing girl the first week and we became close friends, the best of friends.  Unfortunately, my depression and desire to break out of my shell on more than one occasion affected our relationship and it ended, much to my sadness.  We had also had several mutual friends which also decided to end friendships with me.  Now those I can honestly say came out of the blue.  There never was an issue with these girls, or so I thought.  I believed I was an attentive friend (I usually am the listener) and I was quite guarded.  So when I received a barrage of emails essentially breaking up with me full of hate, anger, non-responsiveness and insults, I was taken aback and never really recovered.  Some of the comments from those emails still linger with me to this day and have affected me and have led to an over-analysis and constant critique of myself when making new friends.

I am the common denominator in these relationships.  Hence, is it my fault?  Truly, this plagues me and haunts me.  Generally I feel unlovable by others because of these failures.  Or maybe they are just part of the journey and not failures at all.  Maybe they didn't succeed because they opened my heart to true friendships with an amazing god mother to my children, two Australian Earth Mamas, a blissful Christine, and a crafty thrifty Mama of two.  The "failures" pushed me towards one of my most successful relationships full of unconditional love, understanding and respect with the Papa, my true best friend.

There are those people with relationships that have lasted a lifetime.  It is oh-so desirable, but obviously not a reality with me.  Let it go! Acknowledge the teachings.  Move forward to those who are accepting and willing.

My heart may be a little tattered but I am positive.  I plan to:

• nurture the relationships I have established, although my time is a bit thin lately
• keep my heart open to new explorations
• take the negative experiences with the past and frame them as positive and move forward
• stop expending energy on those people who have decided not to be a friend with me for one reason or another

Love thyself and others will love you.

xoxox

The Mama

WELLNESS JOURNEY: Cleanse Day 2 and Thinking of the Future

Before I begin this post I would just like to comment on the Past post.  I only realized after writing that I was going to a dark and vulnerable place that may shock or worry some about my well being.  I am totally fine.  The purpose of this documentation is to cleanse my soul.  Also, in no way do I feel victimized or play that role.  I live with honesty and integrity and would never want anyone to feel sorry for that which I have accepted as part of my journey and contributed to my strength.  So moving forward......



The Future

The physical cleanse is going well and seems to be working well for the Littlest of Babes as well.  It seems as though my feelings are mimicked in her body.  When I feel bunged up, so does she.  Yesterday I began the cleanse and it seemed she did as well.  She hadn't pooed (okay for those non-moms this may sound weird to talk about but us Mamas do) in literally 4 days.  And as I began the cleanse, so did she.  I spent over an hour in the night and today massaging her tummy and she expelled so much that had been stuck inside.

Mentally, I am moving forward putting the past behind and today I look to the future.  At a time in my life the future was all I thought about.  As a child, with little money and hoping for rescue, I would spend hours upon hours watching home improvement shows and circling furniture in the Sears catalogue for the future home of happiness I was to have.  Endless hours were spent in my mind designing the future which I desired:  mama, married, educated, house to call my own.  Unfortunately, concentrating on those dreams left me empty in the present and clawing away from my past.  It held me back from meaningful relationships because I didn't want to put energy into something I felt didn't fit in with the idea I constructed.

When I fell in love with the Papa and our future seemed very strong.  It was and is.  We dream about the same things.  In fact, we spent a lot of our time together dreaming of our lives.  Ask the G-units.  Our summer weekends at the cottage were spent biking down country roads and looking for interesting heritage properties to purchase.  We talked about opening a vegan diner specializing in Pancakes.  We talked about moving to the other side of the country to pursue a trade.  We were to be explorers.  Then the Eldest of Babes arrived...

And funnily, our dreams shifted slightly.  Distant moves were no longer a true option because we loved being around our family.  Change has never slighted us in the slightest (hehehe).  But we realized there was something about dreams that was perturbing and causing contention:  they weren't reality.

And funnily enough, the arrival of Babes puts the Future into an entirely different perspective:  You are responsible for moulding the futures of pure beings.

So when I sat with the Papa tonight, after those pure beings headed to bed, I asked him where the Future lay.  His response:

With me.

The dream of building our own home or living in a heritage one.  Me pursuing further education in several years.  Homeschooling our girls until giving them the choice to enter high school.  Living environmentally soundly.  Biking.  Travelling.  Creating Memories.

Simple.  Uncomplicated.  Lovely.

As for those Babes, each day images of there future pop into my head.  It is only once you become a Mama can you comprehend the worry of a parent, and understand how you could have worried your own.  You worry about you being the sole caregiver and teacher and that affect.  You wonder if they will find love in themselves and be unaffected by the hurt of others.  You wonder if they will succeed your failures and hope that they do.  But my Babes are truly amazing!  They are wiser than I, pure, good hearted, intelligent, individual beings.  Trust them! I whisper to myself.  And, more often than not, I do.  Trust them to explore their emotions, bodies and minds and that your guidance and their intuition and intelligence will lead them to happiness and wellness.  Trust them to have their own journey.

As for our Earth, our true Mama, our giver of life, light and warmth, I truly hope that you will find peace and we as citizens, act responsibly and speedily to mend your broken heart and shell.  I love you deeply and all your creatures.

So, tonight I will look forward to the future but not be held captive by it.  Sweet dreams.

xoxox

The Mama

dream catcher

WELLNESS JOURNEY: Day 1 - Cleanse and Addressing the Past

Today I begin a 7 day Cleanse.  Last evening I began to get into cleanse mode by initiating the first family yoga session.  It was amazing to bring us all together as a family and a centred-ness to our day.  The Biggest Little Babe was amazing and kept repeating "downward dog".  The Eldest Babe gave up easily but was encouraging as we all attempted our sun salutations and chair poses.  It was difficult and I am feeling it today.  Hence, today I will not attempt the yoga again.  My dearest sister El, gave me a book to read as a wonderful birthday present.  She is pursuing a career in Yoga Teaching and has years of meditative experience.  I had expressed an interest in a Mind and Body cleanse.  Last evening I began to read.  Thus far it has been really inspirational and amazingly transformative.  There is a strong belief inside of me that energy can neither be created nor destroyed, but rather flows.  Perfect Health:  The Mind/Body Guide addresses wholly my belief and focuses on Ayurveda ("the knowledge of a long life").  My goal is to live in perfect health.

Through a simple questionnaire, I discovered my dominant dosha or "bodily humour" (VATA) and that I am a two-dosha type of VATA-PITTA.  Knowing this simple body type, I can better understand how my body responds to certain things and adjust my diet or mental being to alter the dominance and work towards balance.  VATA is a powerful dosha and I am not surprised that I have a dosha that is very intense.  But now I must use this knowledge to my advantage. The journey begins and continues.

The first 24 hours of the eating cleanse have been a bit difficult.  There were moments when making the girls certain foods that I wanted to sneak in and taste but the restrict regimented food schedule I have designed for the week, doesn't allow.

My Sample Menu is as follows:

Morning Herbal Tea (today lemon ginger)
Snack of Smoothie
A lunch of a vegetable wrap
A dinner of miso soup
Lots of water

I have allowed myself computer time at the end of the day, although today I cheated and went for a small bit during the day.  It was fine because it wasn't at all consuming or distracting.  There are times when I find one interesting thing (completely relative) and it leads me to another interesting thing and then I am no longer looking for what I began and I have created 3 new Pinterest Boards.  It is amazing how technology shapes a lot of our daily activities.  My goal is to move away from that.

The Past Exploration:

It is the evening now, and my Babes are heading to bed.  So I begin, with warm Miso soup in my belly and analyzing my mind, that I begin the Mental Cleanse.  Today's issue is "Past".  Our pasts can prevent us from living in our present.  An abusive past has prevented me from being fully free as an adult and ever experiencing childhood fully.  Trust in people was lost.  My heart became closed and guarded and to some degree still is.  As a child, I was often afraid and embarrassed to invite people into my life.  There existed a fear that if they discovered the embarrassing truth about my alcoholic father, they would lose all interest in me.  I began to become consumed with school and creating a perfect image of self that would distract others from "the truth".  I excelled at school, played every sport, was artistic and a nerd.  I consumed myself with dieting.  Very rarely did I eat because 1.  I literally didn't have the time because I was so obsessed with maintaining an almost perfect average in school. 2.  I chose not to.

To my abuser, who called on my birthday, drunk and blamed me for ignoring you for almost a decade.
To my abuser, who stripped my childhood away from me and closed my heart to experience and love.
To my abuser, who hurt the people I love most and ruined our relationships with each other:

I cannot stand you.  I do not want you in my life.  I have a vague understanding and a forgiveness for your control over me.  But I am now in control of my own life and I will never forget you stripping me of my innocence and trust.

For so long I wanted to vocalize that to others but I felt guilty.  Through this exploration I am letting go of that guilt which was placed upon me.  I have done nothing wrong. 

Highschool was the most bitter of years for me.  Firstly, I had to hide a serious abuse that existed at home.  The details are shocking.  All I remember being in school was a sad, depressed, angry and resentful being.  The depression stemmed from wanting to escape a horrid life, but fearing being left alone.  I felt also that the curriculum and school was holding me back.  Several teachers became confidants and amazingly inspiring but I always wondered if they knew.  I mean a 16 year old girl placing an intense pressure on herself, confiding in adults, sad, depressed, covered in bruises and broken, and also scheduling guidance appointments herself?  Did this not tip anyone off that something was off?  And if it was, why did an adult not step in?

Inside there remains a guilt about the moodiness at this time.  For the friends I have hurt, through watching my sadness, and became an emotional crutch to.  I apologize.  Please forgive me.

But to those who intentionally hurt me:  I was never susceptible to bullying.  There was a naivete that could have made me oblivious to it.  When someone was teasing me, I didn't understand their hate and just wanted to be friends.  There were two particular people who tried their best to make my life a living hell by spreading rumours and hate about me.  Sad thing is one of these people, I still tried to be friends with as an adult because I truly wanted to believe there is some good in her.  But she is the same old, same old person...you know, the one who wants to know what is going on in your life so she can see if she is comparatively succeeding.  I invested a lot of energy into pleasing her.  Why?

To my university self:

I regret letting depression get in the way of experience.
I regret losing friendships because of a lack of understanding in myself and an immaturity.
I regret the program that I took.  Degree in hand, I still need more.

I loved exploring myself as an independent person.
I loved the friendship I made with a girl named Amy who showed me what confidence was and instilled confidence in me, although I was still working on accepting myself.
I loved being.

Please those who I have hurt in anyway (including myself):

Forgive me for my misguidance.  You are and were a part of my journey for a reason, and my intentions were never to hurt in any way.  A deep sadness has at times clouded my judgment.

xoxox

The Honest Mama

WELLNESS JOURNEY: Thoughts on Turning 30 and Cleanse

For some it is a dreaded number.  Maybe it is because thirty is halfway between what is considered young adult of 20 and "I've arrived" forty.  Maybe it is because holding off on things like marriage, children, travelling becomes more prominently embedded as a societal failure at this age.  Maybe there is some comparison between other 30 year olds.  Whatever your maybe may be, I really don't have one.  I decided long ago to embrace every year as it comes.  I actually look forward to getting older.  With age comes experience and wisdom.  There also comes a greater understanding of yourself, or so I hope.
My body will change and I've accepted that.  No longer am I susceptible to photoshop entertainers and the magazines that feature them.  I find it laughable.

Now, don't get me wrong.  There are days when I may look at myself and wish for some changes.  My nose for a long time reminded me of something really painful and I wanted to change it surgically for years.  But then I affirmed that my nose is a part of my story and my character.  My hands are more creased than before, but the creases are from exposing them to dirt and nature, which I embrace now.  My hips are wider from birthing my babes.  This pregnancy I acquired some stretch marks on my hips and at first I regarded them as anything but beauty.  But then I noticed how they look almost like little flower stems, so fitting for what we decided to name our Littlest of Babes - Violet.

I look back on the past three decades of my life with many emotions.  There is a past that I still need to fully mentally explore (as I will with the upcoming Cleanse I plan to do).  I received dreadful phone calls over the past few days that forced me to go to that place.  There was a childhood that was lost, that I try each day to explore and re-examine childhood with my Babes.  My adulthood was full of new beginnings, true love and happiness but a questioning and lack of confidence because of said past.

Lately people in my life have been taking leaps of faith that have been oh-so-inspiring.  I too want to take those leaps of faith and pursue all the things that I have thought and vocalized.  If anything, 30 reminds me to "be the change you want to see" in the world.  

On Monday of next week I will begin my mental and physical cleanse (for those who may be worried - I will be eating lots!!!) and the issues I plan on exploring include:

DAY 1:  PAST
DAY 2:  FUTURE
DAY 3:  Friendships (Past, Present, Future, Effects)
DAY 4:  My Personal Identity
DAY 5:  My Relationships with the Babes
DAY 6:  My Relationship with the Papa
DAY 7:  PRESENT

I definitely am looking forward to exploring the mental aspects of myself that I have ignored for so long.  I am coupling the mental cleanse with a physical cleanse for I feel that sugar and fried foods may block thoughts and I need to revert back to a base for my body to rejuvenate.

xoxox

The Mama

(There are a few things that I feel should be established though at 30:  MY FAVE FOOD, MY BEAUTY REGIME, AN UNDERSTANDING OF HOW MY BODY FUNCTIONS, MY FAVE SEASON, MY FAVE THINGS, MY STYLE)

WELLNESS JOURNEY: Post 1 When One Cannot Sleep

When One Cannot Sleep....

*  she distracts herself with Zombie shows
*  she noshes on vegetarian wraps
*  she dwells on a comment her Eldest of Babes said that tore her heart apart
*  she thinks the unnecessary amounts of coffee that flows through her veins
*  she turns to other blogs to find ideas that never become reality
*  she thinks of time wasted, and yet again wastes more time

The past few weeks I have not felt lost but overwhelmed.  There simply are not enough hours in a day to complete all the tasks that I have foolishly set forth for me.  The evidence lies in a journal that I have created called "The Book of Endless Life Tasks and To Dos".  My days are spent looking after the little  lives of the Babes, and it fulfills a huge part of me, but there are parts that aren't being fulfilled, some just ignored.

My friend Christine posted this evening about distraction and losing sight of the purpose and motive behind her blog.  It resonated, because I too have been guided, as of late, by the creative blogs of others and a desire to have more "hits".  There is an honesty that is lost and I generally feel strong urges to sometimes just close the blog all together or completely revamp.

The Sponsor Page is now obliterated.  More positive transformations to come.

Must remember that:  BALANCE = SIMPLICITY, AFFIRMATION = MUST

I am working towards the above and hence this first post on Wellness.

Firstly, there are things I need to WORK ON...ASAP:

1. My eating habits:  Having disordered eating habits in the past, it is easy to fall into them when you are pressed for time and looking for a quick energy fix, as well as put on the pressure (by self) to look a certain way after Babe.  I have discovered, after gaseous bursts, that the Babe does not adore certain aspects of my regime (please NOTE that I am not using the word beginning with D and containing the word DIE because that is just what they contribute to - DEATH).  My body has reacted poorly to any form of Dairy and Macrobiotics and whole foods have been screaming my name, and I want to respond.  
2. Balance:  A general term for allowing both my creative, calming, and active pursuits to meld as one.  
3. Cleaning out the Head Space
4. Being the Best Mama

To Begin I plan on doing a 7 day cleanse, to happen after my birthday.  I feel that the cleanse will really test me and bring out emotions that I have been holding back.  

AFFIRMATIONS and NATURE need to be a part of my daily existence.  

This evening, as I sit in front of the computer as the Mess sleeps, I begin my JOURNEY of WELLNESS.  Inspired by the recent decision of my sister to take up Yoga Teacher Training and my deeply soulful friend Christine and my own feelings of self-worth, I promise to work towards BALANCE.

For now, I post these links that I am loving now and hope you follow as I work towards bettering myself, The Mess, my relationships all while experience TRUTH, LOVE, and PEACE.

Mrs. Stone's Thoughts

How to Be a Calm Parent