WELLNESS JOURNEY: Day 1 - Cleanse and Addressing the Past

Today I begin a 7 day Cleanse.  Last evening I began to get into cleanse mode by initiating the first family yoga session.  It was amazing to bring us all together as a family and a centred-ness to our day.  The Biggest Little Babe was amazing and kept repeating "downward dog".  The Eldest Babe gave up easily but was encouraging as we all attempted our sun salutations and chair poses.  It was difficult and I am feeling it today.  Hence, today I will not attempt the yoga again.  My dearest sister El, gave me a book to read as a wonderful birthday present.  She is pursuing a career in Yoga Teaching and has years of meditative experience.  I had expressed an interest in a Mind and Body cleanse.  Last evening I began to read.  Thus far it has been really inspirational and amazingly transformative.  There is a strong belief inside of me that energy can neither be created nor destroyed, but rather flows.  Perfect Health:  The Mind/Body Guide addresses wholly my belief and focuses on Ayurveda ("the knowledge of a long life").  My goal is to live in perfect health.

Through a simple questionnaire, I discovered my dominant dosha or "bodily humour" (VATA) and that I am a two-dosha type of VATA-PITTA.  Knowing this simple body type, I can better understand how my body responds to certain things and adjust my diet or mental being to alter the dominance and work towards balance.  VATA is a powerful dosha and I am not surprised that I have a dosha that is very intense.  But now I must use this knowledge to my advantage. The journey begins and continues.

The first 24 hours of the eating cleanse have been a bit difficult.  There were moments when making the girls certain foods that I wanted to sneak in and taste but the restrict regimented food schedule I have designed for the week, doesn't allow.

My Sample Menu is as follows:

Morning Herbal Tea (today lemon ginger)
Snack of Smoothie
A lunch of a vegetable wrap
A dinner of miso soup
Lots of water

I have allowed myself computer time at the end of the day, although today I cheated and went for a small bit during the day.  It was fine because it wasn't at all consuming or distracting.  There are times when I find one interesting thing (completely relative) and it leads me to another interesting thing and then I am no longer looking for what I began and I have created 3 new Pinterest Boards.  It is amazing how technology shapes a lot of our daily activities.  My goal is to move away from that.

The Past Exploration:

It is the evening now, and my Babes are heading to bed.  So I begin, with warm Miso soup in my belly and analyzing my mind, that I begin the Mental Cleanse.  Today's issue is "Past".  Our pasts can prevent us from living in our present.  An abusive past has prevented me from being fully free as an adult and ever experiencing childhood fully.  Trust in people was lost.  My heart became closed and guarded and to some degree still is.  As a child, I was often afraid and embarrassed to invite people into my life.  There existed a fear that if they discovered the embarrassing truth about my alcoholic father, they would lose all interest in me.  I began to become consumed with school and creating a perfect image of self that would distract others from "the truth".  I excelled at school, played every sport, was artistic and a nerd.  I consumed myself with dieting.  Very rarely did I eat because 1.  I literally didn't have the time because I was so obsessed with maintaining an almost perfect average in school. 2.  I chose not to.

To my abuser, who called on my birthday, drunk and blamed me for ignoring you for almost a decade.
To my abuser, who stripped my childhood away from me and closed my heart to experience and love.
To my abuser, who hurt the people I love most and ruined our relationships with each other:

I cannot stand you.  I do not want you in my life.  I have a vague understanding and a forgiveness for your control over me.  But I am now in control of my own life and I will never forget you stripping me of my innocence and trust.

For so long I wanted to vocalize that to others but I felt guilty.  Through this exploration I am letting go of that guilt which was placed upon me.  I have done nothing wrong. 

Highschool was the most bitter of years for me.  Firstly, I had to hide a serious abuse that existed at home.  The details are shocking.  All I remember being in school was a sad, depressed, angry and resentful being.  The depression stemmed from wanting to escape a horrid life, but fearing being left alone.  I felt also that the curriculum and school was holding me back.  Several teachers became confidants and amazingly inspiring but I always wondered if they knew.  I mean a 16 year old girl placing an intense pressure on herself, confiding in adults, sad, depressed, covered in bruises and broken, and also scheduling guidance appointments herself?  Did this not tip anyone off that something was off?  And if it was, why did an adult not step in?

Inside there remains a guilt about the moodiness at this time.  For the friends I have hurt, through watching my sadness, and became an emotional crutch to.  I apologize.  Please forgive me.

But to those who intentionally hurt me:  I was never susceptible to bullying.  There was a naivete that could have made me oblivious to it.  When someone was teasing me, I didn't understand their hate and just wanted to be friends.  There were two particular people who tried their best to make my life a living hell by spreading rumours and hate about me.  Sad thing is one of these people, I still tried to be friends with as an adult because I truly wanted to believe there is some good in her.  But she is the same old, same old person...you know, the one who wants to know what is going on in your life so she can see if she is comparatively succeeding.  I invested a lot of energy into pleasing her.  Why?

To my university self:

I regret letting depression get in the way of experience.
I regret losing friendships because of a lack of understanding in myself and an immaturity.
I regret the program that I took.  Degree in hand, I still need more.

I loved exploring myself as an independent person.
I loved the friendship I made with a girl named Amy who showed me what confidence was and instilled confidence in me, although I was still working on accepting myself.
I loved being.

Please those who I have hurt in anyway (including myself):

Forgive me for my misguidance.  You are and were a part of my journey for a reason, and my intentions were never to hurt in any way.  A deep sadness has at times clouded my judgment.


The Honest Mama

No comments:

Post a Comment

Leave a Message Lovelies...