Today I must admit that the physical cleanse was obliterated. I was feeling so confident that I thought that me actively deciding to indulge slightly would be okay. But I quickly discovered that my body didn't take well to the tiny bit of coffee and chocolate. My mind was racing and stomach aching. A slight bit of defeat hit me. So, admittedly, I am back on the full physical cleanse...AGAIN! I am hoping to actually make it the full 7 days again, starting tomorrow.
Friendships Past:
My soul is old and heart easily broken. Trust for me has always been difficult to gain. So as a child I was quite guarded and shy. As a young girl, I invested a lot of energy into one relationship. From my perspective she was my best friend and only friend. For some reason as a child you hear the word's best friend and it is a title that you are envious of. To have that one person, you feel as though you conquered the world. However, reality hit me hard when at this particular girl's birthday party, a girl who saw me grow from a 4 year old to almost teenager, announced that I actually wasn't her best friend and in fact not really a friend at all. (I fell asleep and the rest of the girls thought I was asleep and teased me the whole time). I know that this is well into the past, but it affected me. My entire little world crumbled and I felt completely disowned at home and on the playground.
In highschool, my shyness persisted. For weeks I kept to myself and opened up to one girl, Miriam. She was really high spirited and artistic dramatically. I loved her energy. Then my grandfather died. My father came to get me at school and I remember being ushered through a full library in a full on mental breakdown. I must have been frightening. The days following I detested school and was in a painful mourning. But guess who showed up to visit me and pay respects to a man she didn't even know: Miriam! It amazed me and solidified our friendship. She became one of the only people I confided in. She was actually the first person I revealed my abuse to. She was the first person I trusted. A beauty, selfless, intelligent, linguistic genius.
As highschool unfortunately dragged on, we were torn apart by new friends and relationships. I feel like I never fully expressed my love for her and importance. But she was pivotal. Another two girls I became deeply in friendship love with, to the point that my world revolved and evolved around them. However, as is the trend, after 14 years of friendship with one, I discovered she had been habitually lying to me, and the other actually broke into my bank account and drained me.
Dreaded highschool ended and I decided to attend a school where very few of my classmates were heading. I desired new experiences and relationships untainted by my past. It was awesome! I met an amazing girl the first week and we became close friends, the best of friends. Unfortunately, my depression and desire to break out of my shell on more than one occasion affected our relationship and it ended, much to my sadness. We had also had several mutual friends which also decided to end friendships with me. Now those I can honestly say came out of the blue. There never was an issue with these girls, or so I thought. I believed I was an attentive friend (I usually am the listener) and I was quite guarded. So when I received a barrage of emails essentially breaking up with me full of hate, anger, non-responsiveness and insults, I was taken aback and never really recovered. Some of the comments from those emails still linger with me to this day and have affected me and have led to an over-analysis and constant critique of myself when making new friends.
I am the common denominator in these relationships. Hence, is it my fault? Truly, this plagues me and haunts me. Generally I feel unlovable by others because of these failures. Or maybe they are just part of the journey and not failures at all. Maybe they didn't succeed because they opened my heart to true friendships with an amazing god mother to my children, two Australian Earth Mamas, a blissful Christine, and a crafty thrifty Mama of two. The "failures" pushed me towards one of my most successful relationships full of unconditional love, understanding and respect with the Papa, my true best friend.
There are those people with relationships that have lasted a lifetime. It is oh-so desirable, but obviously not a reality with me. Let it go! Acknowledge the teachings. Move forward to those who are accepting and willing.
My heart may be a little tattered but I am positive. I plan to:
- nurture the relationships I have established, although my time is a bit thin lately
- keep my heart open to new explorations
- take the negative experiences with the past and frame them as positive and move forward
- stop expending energy on those people who have decided not to be a friend with me for one reason or another
Love thyself and others will love you.
xoxox
The Mama
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