18 Week Baby Bump

The bump of 2012 is gradually increasing as well as my waddle, awkward sleeping, and anticipation.  In a week and a bit we discover the sex of the baby.  I have finally wrapped my head around having a boy which I feel like I might be having.  The pregnancy feels slightly different.  Cravings are more overwhelming than the first two pregnancies.  I am expanding quicker, which by most accounts is due to muscle memory.

The Papa, as always, is my saviour.  When I get concerned about the prospects of me rearing a boy, or uncomfortable from standing too long, or just am my hormonal self, he is so there for me.  He has also put some of his feelings aside to venture out in the middle of the night for non-vegan snacks.  He never expects me to apologize for it which is good because I am not going to apologize for a chemically altered brain when it comes to me and my pregnancies.

Although the anticipation of The Littlest of Babes is exciting it also presents fears.  With the birth of the eldest babe, I truly felt as though I was on cloud nine.  With the birth of the second I experienced that which could only be described as post partum depression.  I find it very difficult addressing this issue with myself at times, let alone others or those who have never experienced depression.  I think in general, people refrain from addressing problems they may have for the fear of being looked upon always as "the person with the mood disorder".  You feel as though you can never truly be sad because people will just assume you are depressed or off your rocker.

Depression hurts!  It is painful and draining.  It is a numbness, emotionally and physically, that you cannot explain to someone who has never experienced it.  It pulls you away from experience and doesn't allow you to open your heart and mind.  It is vicious in that it prevents you from nourishing your body.  That nourishment gives you life but when you don't have it you don't feel like living (in the experience sense and sometimes the literal sense - although I have not felt that way in a decade).

As a mother, you need to be involved with your children constantly and I am.  But lately I have felt out of sorts.  I do all my motherly things:  provide attention, love, discipline, nurturance, nutrition and education; all while feeling as though I am floating.  It is something that I am watching so carefully and will be addressing medically but it is also something that I am putting out there to ease my mind and fears as well.

There are parts of my life which I feel have altered my makeup in a way that I do not wish do go into.  So those of you who may be reading this and say just "get on with it"...you don't know experiences that I've lived through, pain that I have held or genes which have possibly been passed down.  Please recognize that depression is a serious issue that the person living it does not choose to live through for attention.  It pulls you away from those you love when all you want to do is love and be loved.  It plagues the soul, scars the mind and drains the heart.