Should we Stay or Should we Go Now?

My babes are napping...all together!  During this rare time, I will now take the opportunity to attend to my blog.  Firstly, we are considering a move.  We are people who embrace change, but a move with children has now been difficult to think about considering it affects their little lives.  The last several months have left so much to consider with regards to a move.  The Papa now works in the city, as most followers know.  This leaves both of us exhausted at the end of an already exhausting day.  Our babes are truly our life and our time is spent with each other in our waking hours.  Those waking hours together are spent together.  But time for indulging in each other as a couple or individual (you know just a slight opportunity to read a book) just isn't there.  Our love and maintenance of that love is crucial to us.  It is high on the priority list.

We are coming off of a long winter.  Canadian winters are always such.  But (FOR ME) living in a small town, the monotony, repetition, because of lack of things to do, just drags me down.  Anonymity feels oh so good.  I love my Perth people, but I also value those that don't know me remaining so.  I don't want to stick out or have someone know me before I've met them.  I want to go to the library and not have someone know that I just went to the washroom at the coffee shop.  I want some people to affirm some of my ideas and not think I'm off my rocker.

Since babe has been born, I have been questioning so much of my convictions.  There has been little time for reflection and when you can't figure out what is going on in your own head, the real world can seem like a difficult place to maneuver.  Or at least I'm finding it so.  I desperately yearn for that of myself that I am losing, but I do not know where or how to receive that support or answer those questions.

For me, the first option is to move.  This small town truly has loveliness.  It seems to be a case of "me not you" syndrome.  This city girl misses simple things like walking to coffee at 9:30 at night, biking to my best friend's house, seeing my family more often, having mega vegan food options, running along the canal, downtown vibes, walking the grounds of my university...I think I'm home sick.

Thing is...it is a difficult decision. Here is why:

Small Town Offerings:

- some of the nicest people I've met live here
- there is an alternative school here that I would love the Babes to go to.  It incorporates homeschooling into the equation!  YES!!!
- our apartment is beautiful and CHEAP!!
- trust in those around you, generally

Big City Offerings:

- a plethora of activities / museums for the Babes
- my love for our hometown
- see more of the Papa
- date nights with the Papa
- hugging the Papa more
- giving the Papa more time for him

We spent this weekend in Ottawa looking at a place in New Edinburgh.  Let's just say that most people live more than well.  The apartment was insanely beautiful.  It would have been our best apartment yet. We told them we were going to sign the lease, but then something troubled me:  Our landlord lives beneath us and her 3 year old daughter is a princess (in the figurative sense).  I am not one to judge and don't care if your daughter has a crystal chandelier in her room and a queen sized bed, television and it looks like a pink fairy vomited.  The landlord was really interested in us.  Maybe because she foresaw three little friends for her love.  I just foresaw something different.  This little rich girl coming into my Babes' world.  I foresaw my Babes being surrounded by excessive and yearning that.  I saw my Babes being lost in consumption.  This Mama was really nice.  She chose to raise her child differently, and although it isn't my way, it is hers.  But I choose to raise my Babes my way and hence, I had to say no. So after staying up all night and getting no sleep, we changed our minds and said no.

After this small little experience though, I am a bit uncertain, once again of myself and my choices.  I started questioning homeschooling once again and considered sending the Babes to a public school in this neighbourhood, a public school that had great financial backing considering it is on the edge of the Governor General's residence and grounds.  Maybe I could get a job to support ballet for the Babes, abandon my dreams all together to give the Babes "opportunity".

After the whirlwind thoughts and weekend, we returned home to our safe haven.  Slept in our own beds.  We all had a great night sleep.  Then we went to playgroup and I encountered a man who is sooooo passionate about his love for nature and homeschooling.  He affirmed my convictions and empowered me.  I haven't felt like this in so long:  EMPOWERED.  Once again I am left questioning our possible decision to move back.

Sorry for the long post but seeking to get some things off my mind and let y'all know what has been happening lately in our neck of the woods.

Love to all,

The Mama

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