39 Week Baby Bump Watch

39 Weeks and the Littlest of Babes is still living inside.  I desperately want to be one instead of two again.  Pregnancy has not been a walk in the park.  There is no blissful Mama here.  My friends are lovely and encouraging.  I could not ask for more precious beings.  But I would be lying if I said that those who experience amazing pregnant feelings and express them to me don't leave me resentful.  It is really hard being a Mama who begrudges the beauty of pregnancy.  But for me it has never been that.  And for me when I run into the belly rubbing glowing Mamas, although not their intention, I feel unwelcome, judged, ostracized and less than woman.

Since the beginning of this pregnancy I have been ill.  I have been forced to lay in bed, losing out on experiences with my loves and life.  There was so much planned in the way of crafting, my release, for this babe.  But all I could do was lay like a lump, my mind numbing.  The effort to even think, contemplate, review has been unbearable.  For almost three quarters of a revolution around the sun I have been a shell of myself while being the shell for another.  It has been defeating and guilt-ridden.

I look with hope to the arrival of the new babe.  She will bring promise and joy and precious innocence.  She will also bring a rejuvenation to motherhood which I yearn.  There is no mistaking that this little being is propelling me and I will love her.  The experience has never shaken that.  We will be blessed by pureness.

So please Littlest of Babes, arrive soon by your choosing.  We wish to meet you and I wish for you to meet your Mama.