The Mess in Messenger: May 2014

5.25.2014

WEEKENDS ARE FOR TOGETHERNESS AND ADVENTURES

BUMP WATCH 2014: PREGNANCY JOURNALS

There is so much I'd like to share regarding this pregnancy and how I am feeling, physically and emotionally. It is my fourth pregnancy and some may think I'm a seasoned vet. Well, in some ways. I understand and accept the changes in my body easily. I am a vessel for this being and it is my responsibility to allow my body to transform in anyway to fulfill this life force that beats inside me. But I think when we decided to try to get pregnant again, I blocked out the parts that were terrifying and uncomfortable, or else I would not be trying again.

This pregnancy was a little unexpected in the sense that we were trying but we weren't expecting it to happen so quickly. Vye took a while to conceive and it was quite discouraging. This time was almost instantaneous. We are very lucky and extremely blessed. At first, I admit, it was a shock. I hadn't fully completed that list of to dos that many of us make before having even one child. Who am I kidding? I abandoned that list years ago.

The symptoms also came full force at 5 weeks. Headaches, nausea, drowsiness, vomiting. Oh and a pop at 6 weeks that I tried desperately to hide because we obviously hadn't had that first ultrasound yet.

BABY GESTATION: 12 weeks and I've popped! Mega pop! I am positive people noticed before we spilled the beans. I'm usually quite petite and it is evident that parts of me are expanding.

DUE DATE: December 4, 2014 (I am usually a week early and am hoping to be this time as well, as per the complications of several family birthdays falling in December)

CRAVINGS: This is bad, but I love the smell of cooking meat. I indulge daily in ginger ale, popsicles (the Rocket pops rock my world), sandwiches with buttery spread, salty stuff and yes, pickles.

SEX: Yes please! LOL. No we are waiting to find out and we have decided to keep it close to ourselves and not make any reveals. Personally I think we are having another baby girl, but we are so happy to welcome a healthy baby into our lives and the girls are just over the moon.

EMOTIONALLY: Not so bad. My temper is a little short and I notice a definite mood shift when the moon is full but generally I am my regular self. There are however, anxious fears of giving birth naturally. I will discuss these at a later date as it is something I am going to have to definitely work through.

PHYSICALLY: Symptoms hard! Nausea, Vomiting (I never vomited during any of my other pregnancies), varicose veins popping in my legs (they usually subside), headaches, and restlessness at night). I'm on heavy doses of the diclectin.

5.11.2014

ARRIVING DECEMBER 2014...

...Babe #4. Details to come but sorry no gender reveals this time.

THOUGHTS ON BEING A MAMA

I am blessed. I am called "mama" by three wonderful babes. Hearing that word is magical. To three little babes, I have become the person that they look to for protection, love, guidance, answers, navigation. Each morning, they somehow all end up in our bed. Tiny feet tickled my pits and legs are splayed across mine. But it doesn't bother me. I get to wake up beside those little beings who have been forming dreams all night and are waiting to burst into a new day full of curiosity that only a child can have.

Becoming a mama for me was a strange mix of emotions. I was lucky enough to decide with that one person who I wanted to be in my life forever, that we wanted to both hold each other's hands and take the leap into the unknown. It was with love and confidence that we entered into the agreement that regardless we will care and love a being that we had yet to meet.

Our decision, full of love and happiness, was also fraught with confusion on how to bestow love when for much of my life I felt unloved by my very own mother. Looking back and through my own personal journey I have finally come to the conclusion that I was deserving of love, but while trying to frame my own idea of what a mother was, I many times came up short. I was full of fear.

But sometimes you have to push down that fear, listen to your heart and carry with confidence your determination. You must surround yourself with those who are amazing. You must also realize that becoming a mother is a journey, an individual journey. Each and every woman before jumping into the greatest challenge had a life, soul and journey which shaped who she is as a mother.

There are those like me, who never had an example of nurturing to draw from. But even when you are denied love it is absolutely possible to innately create that from your heart. Each day I just look at my babes with an intensity at how miraculous and perfect they are and I can't do anything but gush and nurture their little spirits. Watching them grow and seeing them become confident, happy, free spirits with strong voices, sweetness, empathy and love, is rewarding and a reminder that, I am capable of loving and nurturing.

There are those who enter into this with every confidence and I appreciate that you exist in our lives and that your children are in yours. Let us honour each and every mother who pours their heart and soul into loving and teaching their child and remember that our choices, manners in which we proceed and lifestyles, are irrelevant as long as that child feels love in abundance and happiness in themselves and their heart.