DEAR BABES: THREE

Dearest Babe,

Three.  Three?  Three!  We have arrived at this amazing place.  It is a land where language is bursting, laughs are a plenty, independence is emerging, dancing is abundant, smiles plaster our faces.  There are pretend palaces, mama milking mimickery, spins in satin gowns, raids of mama's closet, races around corners to be scared, sugary lemon concoctions, overly lip glossed lips, bouncy baths, chocolate chip sneaks.

It is a wonderful world.  And you share it with me, mostly.  You see, this magical place has rules now.  Rules that are managed by those that are only three.

1. Mamas are not allowed to help.
2. Kisses and hugging is only to be deemed allowable if requested by said Three year old.
3. Jumping on the Mama at any time is allowable.
4.  Listening is by choice.
5.  The Papa becomes the thing immediately upon arrival.
6.  Size does not represent power.  Quite the opposite.
7.  Bedtime is negotiable.
8.  Dancing at dinner mandatory.
9.  Clothes at dinner optional.
10.  All above may change at any moment when said Three Year old decides it is okay.

Navigating the World of Three has been a challenge.  There are no maps.  My guide, shall I say, has her own itinerary.  But it is a world that I navigate daily because I love you and my responses shape you and our relationship.

You have grown into this amazing, silly girl.  There is never a dull moment.  I look into those big blues and just see an ocean of ideas, love, mischief and happiness.  It is the best.  Please keep being this amazing you.  The one that asks me to chase her for a scare. The one that gives kisses with her eyes open.  The one that dances like she means it.  The one that tilts her head and pushes out her hip for emphasis.  The one that tells me she loves me and "all you guys".

To being Three!

A MAMA AND HER BABES

I am a just a Mama.  I have 4 babes.  And they just rock my world.  The end.

THOUGHTS ON BEING A MAMA

 

I am blessed.  I am called "mama" by three wonderful babes.  Hearing that word is magical.  To three little babes, I have become the person that they look to for protection, love, guidance, answers, navigation.  Each morning, they somehow all end up in our bed.  Tiny feet tickled my pits and legs are splayed across mine.  But it doesn't bother me.  I get to wake up beside those little beings who have been forming dreams all night and are waiting to burst into a new day full of curiosity that only a child can have.

Becoming a mama for me was a strange mix of emotions.  I was lucky enough to decide with that one person who I wanted to be in my life forever, that we wanted to both hold each other's hands and take the leap into the unknown.  It was with love and confidence that we entered into the agreement that regardless we will care and love a being that we had yet to meet. 

Our decision, full of love and happiness, was also fraught with confusion on how to bestow love when for much of my life I felt unloved by my very own mother.  Looking back and through my own personal journey I have finally come to the conclusion that I was deserving of love, but while trying to frame my own idea of what a mother was, I many times came up short.  I was full of fear.  

But sometimes you have to push down that fear, listen to your heart and carry with confidence your determination.  You must surround yourself with those who are amazing.  You must also realize that becoming a mother is a journey, an individual journey.  Each and every woman before jumping into the greatest challenge had a life, soul and journey which shaped who she is as a mother.  

There are those like me, who never had an example of nurturing to draw from.  But even when you are denied love it is absolutely possible to innately create that from your heart.  Each day I just look at my babes with an intensity at how miraculous and perfect they are and I can't do anything but gush and nurture their little spirits.  Watching them grow and seeing them become confident, happy, free spirits with strong voices, sweetness, empathy and love, is rewarding and a reminder that, I am capable of loving and nurturing.  

There are those who enter into this with every confidence and I appreciate that you exist in our lives and that your children are in yours.  Let us honour each and every mother who pours their heart and soul into loving and teaching their child and remember that our choices, manners in which we proceed and lifestyles, are irrelevant as long as that child feels love in abundance and happiness in themselves and their heart.

DEAR BABES: OUR RHYTHM

My loves.  I feel as though it has been an eternity since I wrote to you from my heart.  Sometimes the pace of life sweeps away the moments of remembering to pause, reflect, share.  These precious days are filled with so much.  Reading, creating, nourishing, loving, establishing and re-working our rhythm.

There is such a calm to our day.  We all are able to marvel in each other and really connect because there exists no pressure to do and be without an expected transition.  Inhale.  Exhale. Repeat. 

The structure of our day is so simplistic but filled with such joy.  Making breakfast is my favourite part of the day.  While you sit at the table doing an activity or hurry down the stairs dressed in your ballet best, I prepare a morning feast of sorts.  To know that I am providing your first bit of energy is really fulfilling.  We sit and eat together.  The conversation is quiet but we are together.  

Immediately we head outdoors.  It is here where I begin to see your spirits set free and minds fill with possibilities.  We venture.  The day continues in such a manner.  Learning and loving, always along the way.

Now, when the rhythm loses its flow it is felt by all.  A sick babe is upset and needs time.  A mama who loses patience and ill herself, needs a pause to reflect.  Mama nature abrupt changes can throw us all into upheaval.  

Let us promise to continue to love each other.  Embrace each other even when the walls are confining.

In several days, we welcome two amazing babes into our home and further into our lives.  Let us welcome them and intertwine our rhythm with theirs.  The outcome will be magnificent.

 

Dear Babes: 5 Months Reflection on the Life of Littlest Babe

Dear Littlest of Babes on Your Fifth Month on Earth,

Your warm body stays close to me all night.  You gently cry, requesting milk.  I, sleep deprived, extend a finger for you to hold as you squeak in milky enjoyment, eyes still closed.  

Each morning I am so blessed to wake to your smile.  

Joy. Spirit. Love. Milk. Repeat.

Daylight arrives and with it comes much enthusiasm from you.  The day will bring closeness, comfort, love, laughter and play.  You delight!  As your sisters play, your excitement ignites.  A smile comes across your face, your toes twinkle and you begin to propel forward.  They notice this and instantaneously leave all that was previously attaining their attention.  Their moments of greatest pleasure derive from you.

Milestones.  Bittersweetness.

This past month we have seen much growth in you.  Emotionally, you were none to ever waver.  Joyous and spirited.  However, emerging teeth have made many nights difficult.  Your eyes become tired, your frustration supersedes any hope you may have of relief.  Onesies become drenched in drool. Mama cries.  You seek solace in my embrace.  Light from the dark outside, peering in through our window comforts, if only for a moment.

Sitting is nothing but a nuisance.  There exists no greater challenge than the reclining position.  You desperately want to jump, stand, rock.  A unit, that I can only describe as a playtime pod, holds you upright while you attempt to lunge at the happenings of the Eldest Babes.  

Jump for Jolly.

We acknowledge the greatness of these feats and your desire for emergence.

You see...you are our last Babe.  All that you do, is the last that we will bear witness to.  There is a slight bitterness but there is such a preciousness and re-ignition in our spirits to preserve and cherish that which we will never hold again.  

So, my love, do all that you may in your time.  Slowly or quickly, we will all be waiting in the midst, in awe, in the present, absorbing all that you encompass and treasuring the gift that is you.

xoxox

The Mama

Dear Biggest Little / Littlest Big Babe on Your Birthday

Dear Babe,

Yesterday, you completed your third revolution around our brightest star, one that you shine as strongly as.  The Papa and I remember fondly the day you entered this world.  It was my quickest birth, one riddled with a lack of confidence and worry.  But when you came, a resurgence in Mamahood came.  You were tiny, fragile.  It was my duty to build you, to strengthen you.

And my how you have emerged.  From such humble and delicate beginnings, you are now such a force to be reckoned with.  Eyes always bright, your days are filled with exploration and imaginings.  Your heart is bursting with kindness for the world, your sisters, your family.  There is an exuberance that can be matched only with the Papa and a zest for life that is innate and for ever wanting to be fulfilled.

You are witty.  Clever words dominate our days.  Wordplay.  Reference to yourself in the third person as "the Ballerina" is delightfully enchanting and apt.  You take in rhythm and express it beautifully with your moves.  We have never seen anything like it.  Magical.

Here is to a lifetime of magic.  Please continue on your journey of loving, laughing and enlighting our lives.

To you on your birth day.

xoxox

The Mama

Dear Littlest of Babes,

Three months ago today, you and I worked together to birth you.  Your presence in our lives, thus far, has been so amazing, full of joy and wondrous.  There is a renewed energy in our Mess.  The Eldest of Babes seems to take more responsibility in her role as big sister but has become patient with the Biggest  Little/ Littlest Big Babe.  Their relationship has blossomed because of you.  There is a shared role and an understanding between them, that "Yes, we are both responsible for shaping her".

The Biggest Little / Littlest Big Babe is ever so exuberant.  At times it is difficult for her to restrain her excitement about you.  Often there is a touch that is unexpected or a closeness that is a bit too much.  However, you blink quickly and forgive just as fast.  A smile comes over your face, that smile where your eyes light up and your tongue pokes out.  You love them both.

As for the Mama, there is a renewed energy as well.  I love all my Babes, equally and with a deepness, but it has been a journey of discovery and a frustrating one at times.  I take a huge responsibility in hopefully taking that which was given to you at birth:  EXCEPTIONALITY!  and working hard to maintain it and nurture it.  You are each such soulful, intelligent, deeply connected, sensitive, loving beings.  When your siblings and I have a shared bad day or moment, it hurts me deeply.  I want you to feel loved and understood and listened to but there are the moments when I the Mama, forget how fresh the Earth is to you and how learning to communicate is a skill which I continue to acquire.  You remind me to be better for your purity is the epitome of perfection.

You Littlest of Babes exemplify perfection.  Life and those around you are so secure and safe and trustworthy.  It is amazing to watch you just be, no apologies.  Your eyes dart when contrast appears, your arms flail in excitement, your tummy rumbles, your toes twinkle, your smile is bright, your suck on your hand when teething, you cry because you know I will answer your call.

Your milestones are many.  Laying down is an annoyance and you have taken to sitting upright with support most times of the day.  You respond to your name instantly and with just as excitement you have when looking upon your siblings.  Sponge baths are frustrating and you try to wiggle away.  Your teeth are breaking through, or so I assume, with all the drooling and inconsolable moments.  Cooing and telling stories is a hobby.  Laughing with your full body is so exciting to watch.  Lifting up your bottom for a change is so cute.

You are lovely and amazing and we look forward to more moments of PERFECTION.

  

xoxo The Mama

Dear Littlest Babe....

My how you have grown.


xoxo The Mama

LITTLEST BABE'S SECOND REVOLUTION AROUND THE SUN

Today is her last day of being one.  The Papa reminded me.  As midnight approached past evening, a bittersweetness rushed over my body.  The Littlest Babe would no longer be technically a babe.  Her independence has been progressing for the past little while, but part of me has had difficulty letting go.  Although she is the more confident and strong-willed of the two babes, there has recently been an overwhelming desire within my heart to protect and preserve her innocence.  Her clothes and toys have always been loved by others and passed to her.  Her experiences and accomplishments, have been experienced and accomplished before by the Eldest Babe (although she has seemed to meet and pass milestones quicker than her sibling).  I see her at play groups clinging to her sister, mostly because they are the best of friends, but on the other hand, she is all she knows as friend.  This Mama just wants to hold her and wishes she still nursed her.  This Mama wishes she could be her entire source of comfort.  But I can't...and with that realization on the eve of her birth, came sadness.

The overwhelming desire to protect her extends beyond her fragility as second born, but my fragility after her birth.  The story is riddled with memories of my lack of confidence, medical discouragement, potential of loss and physical failure.  It still haunts me.

Luckily, images of her emerging self are stronger.  As a tiny babe, she was of the most serious disposition.  A smile was difficult to acquire.  A laugh seemed to be an impossibility.  She was a winter child.  A move to Montreal was quick on the heels of her arrival.  It was a long last bit of the cold season.  She had never seen the outdoors, nature.  But I remember her awakening.  Slung to my chest, she tilted her tiny head so far back that I feared it would snap.  Leaves.  Birds. Clouds.  Life.

With the spring came the love for her sister.  Her immobile self made it easy for Eldest Babe to capitalize on her big sis position.  She would teach her how to dance in the saucer, cover her head with cotton balls, show her the world.  It was blissful until the release...the release of the Littlest Babe from her sling.  Her personality seemed to release itself as well.

Her kindness overcame her crazies (silly voices, maniacal laughter).  At any moment her Eldest Babe was upset, mostly due to her hesitation to accept the inevitable progression and mobility of her sister - much like myself, this little one would give her anything, do anything to make her happy.  The constant struggle continues, but their play has evolved.  Their friendship overshadows any feeling of hierarchical disruption.

*************

Running into my Arms.

Excitement.

Spinning freely while requesting Mary Poppins.

*************

She has completed her second revolution around the sun.  She has experienced the Earth as fully as she can.  She has felt its warmth.  She has cozied in its cold.  She has known love.  She has laughed.  She has evolved.

As I look into her baby blues, oh so much of her visage reminding me of the man who made her, I see her eventualities, possibilities, potential and imaginings.  Although I want to preserve so much that is so innocent, I must also preserve that which makes innocence...pure experience, pure emotion untainted by Mama's interference.

To my Babe on your birthday,

The Mama

xoxoxo

dear littlest BABE

Oh how you amaze! This morning, we got bundled and headed out to go and get passport photos. I undid your comfy snowsuit and I guess that means I served you up for a cry. One look at any one that isn't me and you usually burst into fearful cries. I usually assure the receiver of your attachment to me, just to be polite. You don't know many people and you have a strong trust in me, which I respect and honour.

Some people I talk to, do not understand the attachment. It is actually quite secure. You were in my body for nine months, you were slung on me like a spider monkey for the same. How could anyone expect anything less. You sleep closely to me, each night to nurse and feel safe. I am your security blanket, thumb, soother. We are great friends and our bond is strong. Your sister is just as amazing and my love for her has made loving you easy.

Most nights, if my presence is not felt, you are agitated. This has resulted in many bed time knitting and reading sessions. Of course I look forward to a night when you will sleep through, I sleep soundly. But I also fear the time when I possibly won't be needed. It will come. You will develop strong bonds with others, trusting them as you do I. My touch will be comforting, but you will have the strength, intelligence and support system that will be comforting in and of itself. The bond between your sister and you will grow and strengthen. Secrets will be shared.

You will come to me for wisdom lacking judgment, but will come to me nonetheless out of need rather than necessity.

For now, I embrace all that you require of me and ask nothing from you, but growth and continued trust.

xoxoxo

Mama